Short Stories


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Simmo and the Horse

 There was once a time when Maurice Fitzsimmons did nothing else but run about like a bony legged idiot. He'd be running about from here to there like his pants were on fire, and often he would be halfway to there by the time he'd forgotten where he was supposed to be headed in the first place. You could say he was a bit daft, but weren't we all a bit simple at one time or another?

Well, one day Simmo was on another one of his mad leggy runs, when he bumped into a Knacker, his horse and apple cart. The Knacker doffed his cap in a theatrical manner and proclaimed a proposition to the soft lad.

"Greetings to you kind sur, and what has you hoppin an a leppin on this fine morn?"

As mentioned above, Simmo could not justify any of his actions, and from his confused demeanour, the Knacker was quick to intervene.

"Well, young boyo me lad, I have two shillings here in me hand, and if you'd be as kind enough to mind me horse while I have a swig of porter with me fine lady friend, then I'd have no objection to placing these two shillings into your pocket, for your troubles, of course."

Simmo had a quick think about it, but before you could say jack rabbit, he'd pretty much forgotten what the question was. He decided upon a nod, and from the Knackers reaction, he thought he'd made the right choice.

"Much obliged to you, young fella, I'll be back before you've even noticed I've gone, but for the love of god, be sure that you don't go feeding them apples to the horse. He's pure mental for the auld apples."

So off skipped the Knacker in the direction of the pub, and Simmo's bony legs were momentarily stopped in their tracks. Simmo had never really paid much attention to horses, so he went over and said hello. The horse had these big brown watery eyes, like an old man singing at a funeral.

The horse gave Simmo a quick sniff and without any introduction, said, "Aw gimme an apple, fella. I frickin luv dem apples. Sure, dey won't miss wan measly apple. Aw, go on, I'll give ye a ryde on me back!"

With little thought, Simmo took a glance back down the street, the Knacker had disappeared from view. He went back to the apple cart and picked up a juicy red apple and held it out to the horse. The horse chomped down that apple like it was gift from heaven itself.

He gurgled with juicy delight, "Oh lord above, I do luv a good apple, sure dem apples are great altogether. I couldn't trouble ye for another, sure it's the only enjoyment I get these days, oh gimme one, go on, gimme gimme gimme."

Simmo went back to the apple cart and scooped up a dozen apples into his jumper, the horse was so excited that his big langer was out and he was dribbling like a fool.

Simmo fed the apples to the horse one by one, by now a crowd had gathered to witness the spectacle of the horse going all gooey eyed over some apples. The horse was so happy that he gave a wee skip into the air, and then tried to roll over, throwing the apple cart onto its side, and as if guided by the pied piper of Hamlin, those apples rolled down the hill and into the town. The horse took off after them like a child after a balloon, and Simmo took off in the same direction, as did a whole crowd of childer after some free apples.

Most of the apples came to a standstill in the town square, the horse was first on the scene dragging what was left of the cart behind him. By now the horse wasn't in any mood for begging and he chomped down those apples like they were biscuits until there were no apples left, then he rolled over and died with his legs in the air.

For the first time in a long time, Simmo's legs froze as he saw the Knacker heading through the crowd, with his black eyed lady friend. On spotting the horse she fell to her knees and called out to God above. The Knacker took off his cap and looked skywards.

She wailed for all present to witness, "Oh, Tir na Nog was our best horse ever, now he has gone and so has our livelihood, we might as well throw ourselves off a bridge for all the good we have left in the world..."

"Nonsense", pointed out the Knacker, "This young fella here was offered two shillings to mind the horse an cart, and now the horse is dead and the cart and all of its contents have been flittered away. This leads me to believe that the boy is indebted to us until we have recovered what is rightly owed us."

The assembled crowd nodded in agreement. With this, the Knacker started on a summary of Simmo's teeth then checked his pockets for anything of value, before announcing, "The boy has nothing of any worth, so he must repay this debt by working for us until we are satisfied that our sad loss has been repaid."

They led Simmo up the street by his ear, there was talk of a farmer out of town who would pay good money for scarecrows, and that was their intention.

It was safe to say that Simmo was probably the most enraged human being living in the world at that moment.


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